Basically my life consists of this big mystery illness. Constantly nauseous and vomiting, but no other signs of any kind of sickness. Some doctors wanna tell me it’s my anxiety and panic attacks, but some other doctors (like my psychiatrist) are completely against that idea, and are positive that is not it. I used to make myself puke to get rid of water weight, which was fine because I was in control, but not it’s completely out of my hands. In hospital every other day, ambulances, being admitted Abe never leaving with an answer to this mystery that has ruined my life so profoundly, but has also helped in a way. Last time I weighed myself is when I got admitted this week, it’s been several days since I’ve got to check again. I’m anxious. I don’t wanna eat and vomit, I don’t wanna eat and blow up and get even fatter because I haven’t been able to eat in so long while in hospital. My weight on the hospital scale was 61kg, that’s scares me. I want to get better but I don’t want to get fat, my mind and body are telling me two different things. When I’m extremely sick I find myself miserable, sometimes I’ll even pray to make it stop, I’m not religious but it gives me hope. But then when I feel better, I just find myself trying to find ways to keep loosing weight, nothing works as effectively as the puking so sometimes I even find myself wishing to get sick again. I know that sounds selfish and it’s not the hospital attention I want, I just wanna be thin. And beautiful. I just want skinny. Light as a feather, skinny as a rail. I want to BE skin and bones. And it’s tearing my life apart..

Why can’t my life be over? I wish I could get a serious illness to die from, I don’t want to have a painful death. I do not want to suffer. But then I feel selfish for all the individuals fighting for their lives, and for my family, but why couldn’t they be happy for me and just say, “she’s finally where she wanted to be” Six years, six years in and out of hospitals, off and on medications. Will my life always be like this? I don’t want to cause pain to myself because I experience enough pain in my everyday life, that’s why I want it to end. Will an overdose make me suffer?

What about when I’m older and I reach a difficult point? What if I relapse into my old ways

I’m going through so much. My family has money issues and my mom constantly talks to me about my parents divorce and the money issues. I know she needs someone to talk to, but I’m only 13! I only understand some of what’s going on an its to much for me to handle. I don’t want to know about all of this

my anxiety is worse than my depression, but I’m starting to control it.

The people in my community are so fake and two faced I’m not sure if I can handle finishing grade 12 here next year

I feel like my friends aren’t actually my friends. I mean, it used to just be a few jokes at my expense, just teasing, right. And it was the same with everyone, I guess it was distributed equally. And the jokes were funny too, but now it’s not. They’re always at my expense, and they think I have this list of guys that I like, and every time I try to tell them any differant, they don’t listen. They even go and tell people that I like them. When I have no feelings for them, whatsoever. Which is really mean. I don’t even know some of them… But they can be sweet like 20% of the time too, I know 20 is a failing grade but still, I’ve known these people since I was little. Should I tell them too stop or just back away? I’m so lost… Help.

My ex-boyfriend picking up smoking again

This world is getting more beautiful to me.. Everyone is gifted! I’m just worried I’m too far gone..I feel like I’m being born again! Tomorrow will be tough and that’s another worry : (

is she talking behind my back

I won’t get to see my boyfriend for a while and I’m afraid he’s going to get tiered of being with me. I really love him a lot…. I’d be devestated

I’m worried that things won’t ever get better

I’m pansexual and my parents believe some people are “too young to decide if they’re gay or not”. They always say it’s fine if one of their kids are gay but they really don’t act like it. They are Christians and I’m agnostic, and I try to hint at them that I don’t believe in God, but they just reply with “you need to go to church more”. I’m scared I’ll never be able to come out, tell them my beliefs, and don’t have to worry about them judging me.

i got cheated on last night

I have no clue who I am. No one understands. At my age, it’s abnormal to know certain things, like your sexuality. I am bi, and I’m scared. I have a slight crush on this girl in my class. The problem? Homophobic brother. He’d beat the sh*t out of me if he found out! She’s only been in our school for two weeks.. She seems nice. But, also, I am good friends with three boys. One of them, my cousin, loves Terraria and teaches me loads about it. The second one is basically the same way! The third one, is dating my “best” friend. I can’t say best, after all the sh*t she’s put me through. I feel jealous of her, honestly. I needed to get that off my chest. I know someone, anyone, will see this, and they will know how I feel.

That I won’t be good enough for anyone. Not even myself…

I’m worried my parents will mind my stash of acid meth and cocaine

I’m afraid I’m not making the right decisions

I’m worried that k don’t have any emotion towards love.. I recently broke up with a guy who was so inlove with me and I thought I love him too but when we broke up I have no emotion and with all of the other boys since my first “real” relationship heartbreak..

I’m afraid one day I will finally crack for good