Basically my life consists of this big mystery illness. Constantly nauseous and vomiting, but no other signs of any kind of sickness. Some doctors wanna tell me it’s my anxiety and panic attacks, but some other doctors (like my psychiatrist) are completely against that idea, and are positive that is not it. I used to make myself puke to get rid of water weight, which was fine because I was in control, but not it’s completely out of my hands. In hospital every other day, ambulances, being admitted Abe never leaving with an answer to this mystery that has ruined my life so profoundly, but has also helped in a way. Last time I weighed myself is when I got admitted this week, it’s been several days since I’ve got to check again. I’m anxious. I don’t wanna eat and vomit, I don’t wanna eat and blow up and get even fatter because I haven’t been able to eat in so long while in hospital. My weight on the hospital scale was 61kg, that’s scares me. I want to get better but I don’t want to get fat, my mind and body are telling me two different things. When I’m extremely sick I find myself miserable, sometimes I’ll even pray to make it stop, I’m not religious but it gives me hope. But then when I feel better, I just find myself trying to find ways to keep loosing weight, nothing works as effectively as the puking so sometimes I even find myself wishing to get sick again. I know that sounds selfish and it’s not the hospital attention I want, I just wanna be thin. And beautiful. I just want skinny. Light as a feather, skinny as a rail. I want to BE skin and bones. And it’s tearing my life apart..